wandering sails

how not to miss it.

so, i have two love languages. gary chapman gives us the theory that we all have a love language. this being the way that we best feel loved. whether it be quality time, words of affirmation, touch, acts of service or gifts. he also tells us about the 'tank' that we all possess... when this tank is full, we are very receptive to acts of love, often regardless of the language. when we are not loved in our language, though, it empties the tank, sometimes to the point of not being able to feel loved at all. a good opportunity to become bitter, if you ask me. so i have two. quality time and touch. the other three don't really even come close. what i have realized is that i do become bitter at times, because i am not always loved these ways. what i have found, however, is that if i ignore it and not allow myself to be loved in these ways, i cannot miss them. not hugging someone because it will be a reminder that you don't get your daily allotment of hugs.

i have cried over the realization that almost always, i am the one to initiate contact with friends... this is how it is. my friends are at stages in their lives that make it harder for them to carve out the time without someone else initiating. and that's okay. i'm glad to be the one. but when it has been awhile since someone else has initiated any quality time, i think of that and it feels like i have to work in order to be loved. and that's depressing. intensely. but i cannot cease to be with the people i need in my life. so i make the effort.

and touch. i need touch. we all do, really. but i really need it. and i hardly ever get it. and i do not seek it out. because it's too easy to miss. and it does nothing when it's not authentic. and you know when it's not. so the wall goes up that says, 'i don't need it' to the world, when what it really means is that it hurts too much to have a little than nothing at all.

so i have two love languages. and they're not in great shape. this is not to say that i think i am not loved-i know that i am. but in the deepest part of my heart that aches for touch and meaningful time of others, it doesn't feel received. and though it's fairly easy to forget those deep areas of our souls when we need to, it still doesn't fix the missing pieces. it still affects me, even though i wish it didn't. because to be needy is not a good way to be in my book. at least for me. needy people burden other people and i do not want to burden. it seems the cruelest of acts. to burden someone else. we all have our own burdens to carry, how could i possibly be so selfish as to ask someone else to bear my burden as well? when it comes to bearing others' burdens, i do not think twice about doing so. it's just so much harder to go the other way.

so, how not to miss it? never know it. but what kind of life is that?

posted by julie @ 11:08 AM