my mother, my guilt.
i churched on saturday evening this past weekend, which i rarely do, but rather enjoyed it. dave had some awesome things to say, and my heart travelled a crazy little path in response."you have heard that it was said, ' an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.' but i say to you, do not resist the one who is evil. but if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. and if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. and if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles." (matthew 5:38-41)
i have always considered this passage quite... passive. it's always seemed so, 'walk over me so i can show the love of christ because somehow you'll see my passivity as christ's love.' but it struck me, as dave was moving onto other things, how incredibly unpassive it is. because some roman soldier who forces you to carry his stuff for a mile, isn't expecting you to carry it more than he requires. he would expect that you would have a bad attitude about it. and it is the offer to carry it another mile that would get him thinking if anything would. i wrote lots of little thoughts on my bulletin, which i never do and really thought about intentionally loving others. i think i do intentionally love others, but i know there are some that i just want to be done with, so i don't go that extra mile.
saturday night, i had a dream. i was hanging out with some friends on some special occasion when my mom called me to a back room (which oddly turned out to be her kitchen) and asked me to do some menial task because she couldn't be bothered to do it. i was so mad. i told her. i said, mom, i'm doing something. i haven't seen these people in so long, this is a big deal, and you ask me to file some papers? (i'm not sure why there were papers to be filed in the kitchen, but you know how dreams go...) i'm sorry. i can't. oh. i was so mad.
i woke up and guilt had punched me in the stomach. my mother does this sometimes. and her delivery is sometimes lacking in question, but full of demand. could you please set the table? it's not really a question and when it comes again three minutes later, before you have a chance to finish up what you're doing, it makes you really want to just sit back down again. usually this type of delivery is born from fatigue and frustration. my mother knows how to ask. she's an incredibly compassionate person and has a huge capacity to listen. but there's this mother-daughter thing. it's not exclusive to my mom and i, but we utilize it well. there's a lack of patience for each other there.
backing up to the point, what i realized is that i passively love my mom. i really, really love her, but it doesn't always show. i do not intentionally love her like i love so many others. i don't know why i do that, but it breaks my heart. i hate that i'm like that. that my mother bears the brunt of all that is bad about me. sees so little fruit. lots of leaves, but many thorns. that's what she gets. and the occasional pear.
posted by julie @ 10:53 AM
2 Comments:
Just want to say that I loved your picture in your profile, very beatifull.
I think I do this to my mom too. It makes me want to change, it makes me sad. passive...
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