wandering sails

i guess that's what i want... to hit the moon.

it's been a doris day summer. when i'm in the mood for a movie, some sort of fluffy 50s romantic comedy goes into the dvd player. there really have been very few exceptions. not sure why it's been that way, but it has.

doris day usually plays characters with class-well put together and smart, with incredibly high standards for the man she plans to end up with. and she almost always misplaces her sense when a handsome man comes around. she falls for men that have questionable characters, but believes them to be good and true, having no idea that they aren't who she thinks they are. then, she gets flustered and angry when she realizes that she's been duped. and she should. one ought to be frustrated with oneself when you've duped yourself. what? yes. she's duped herself. the men are not usually innocent in these things. in fact, they often work to deceive, but that's the obvious part. what i haven't really put words to is that though she seems to be so, she isn't innocent, either. she's convinced herself that she'll keep her wits about her when she finds love. so that when she finds this feeling she thinks is the real thing, she knows that it's the real thing. because he couldn't be anything less than perfect. if he were, she wouldn't be with him. that's what she's been waiting for... the perfect man. and he comes. even when he seems to be a little off, she's not concerned, because he's the one, right? it's just her imagination that he's off.

once the scene has been laid, we cringe and actually ache for her as she throws herself into a affectional abyss, letting her heart rule the roost instead of the mind she has so painstakenly perfected for this very situation. the truth, always by accident, occasionally by tony randall, is revealed and she reels. hell hath no fury like a woman duped. he shows his manhood and carries her off to teach her a lesson about how much he really loves her and after a worthy struggle, she swoons, they kiss and life is happy because it isn't perfect.

what am i waiting for? sometimes, i know that i'm waiting for perfection. and other times, i just want to be swept off my feet. i cannot create perfection. i have tried. i have been patient. i have allowed my heart to be coddled and ripped out and patched. all because i was so certain that it was worth the wait. someday, his offness would turn out to be perfection as well. what's hard to do, even though my mind says it doesn't matter, is let go. what if i let go and he doesn't come back? that's what makes it hard, if i'm honest with myself. and the really stupid thing, is that i don't want who he is to come back. i want the him who has reached his potential to come around. i don't know that he ever will. but he's the only one asking. and on the occasional day or two, that's enough for me.

what it really comes down to, is that he has never loved me as i have loved him. and i have loved someone who didn't actually exist. i am doris day. i have allowed myself to settle. and i have always said i would never settle. i lied. i didn't know.


no woman wakes up and says, i hope i don't get swept off my feet today. -hitch

posted by julie @ 2:56 PM