wandering sails

unexpected stretch.

who would have thought that one of the hardest things i would do this summer would be going to a concert? certainly not i. i was convinced it would be letting go. or watching someone i love walk through hell. but no. i struggled the most with walking away from my car into someone's backyard. even as i battled with myself about going or not going, i knew that i needed to go. i found out about this concert on monday and i couldn't find anyone else who was willing to bail on their plans to go. this meant that if i went, i had to go alone. by myself. into battle with no shield. i have no problem going out to eat by myself or to a movie alone, but no one expects me to talk to them. i don't have to produce any answers to questions or come up with interesting comments. the more i communicated with people about saturday night, the more i was beginning to realize how hard it would be. it was the worst group size... not small enough to meet all, but not big enough to get lost in the crowd. when i parked, i almost put the car back in gear and left. and when i got out, i had to pray. i had to remind myself that God has not given me a spirit of fear. then, i decided i should journal. mostly, i think it was another stall tactic. my hand shook as i wrote... i could barely hold the pen. i just wanted to leave. i journaled about how i could have just stayed at the wedding. about how there are times when i hate being introverted. but i went. some rather kind people directed me towards the food. i couldn't tell you their names if my life depended on it, but i was grateful for the purpose. at the top of the stairs, i met nora, who is incredibly kind. she set me down with some of her friends and gave me a place to be. i needed that. i did have to answer questions, but it didn't kill me. i was stretched... way out of my comfort zone (which, as the years goes by, seems to get smaller). the music was good and through a random bit of circumstances, i found out that nora was at one time good friends with my friend amy. and so i survived. when the concert was over, i was too psychologically spent to do anything but go home. now, it's just like when my appendix ruptured... it hurt like nothing else, i survived and i never have to go through it again.

posted by julie @ 8:22 AM