size matters.
this one's for kristin... welcome to tuesday's post number 2.my tights are too big. sometimes i forget reality and the fact that i shrink a lot of my clothes. i don't know why, i just do. i do everything i'm supposed to, but it doesn't always work out like it should. sometimes, when i'm in a store, i forget that a well-fitting shirt will likely be a size smaller after it's introduced to my laundry methods. i've become conscious of this again as of late, so when i was out shopping for tights, i said to myself, 'be realistic.' the problem with this system and with being realistic while tights shopping is that i don't ever shrink my tights. they stay the same size. instead of being on one end of the scale for smalls, i opted to be on the small end of the mediums. this hasn't worked out so well for me. i've been yanking these things up all day. remember that suzanne vega song about the diner and the lady she sees adjusting her stockings outside the window? that could be me. me and my too big tights.
a two joel post.
i want very much to give you something funny to read, but i don't have anything funny to tell you. i'm working on it, but my brain is very tired. i spent way too much time in my car this weekend, breathing exhaust fumes and other gross highway/car smells. i drove myself to waukesha (which, incidentally, is my favorite city to say these days) to celebrate my good friend joel's thirtieth. i hung out with he and nicole the next day and finally got to meet sweet taylor. we did a shoot with her on sunday morning, which means i got to use my new camera. yes, friends... it's finally here. after two months of waiting, i have held in my hands the goodness that is the d200. amazing shots were gotten, thanks both to the fantastic camera and the beautiful child that is taylor. i'd love to show you a shot or two, but i didn't ask if that was okay with joel and nicole. so, you'll just have to trust me... they're good.wait... i did think of something mildly funny... last night, after hanging with halle and maggie, i made my way downstairs to watch a few johnny cash documentaries and sleep. i did not sleep well. a major part of it was that i slept the wrong direction, due entirely to wanting to lay down while watching tv. the other reason was that there was a noise, not super rhythmic, but fairly consistent that was present the entire night. i thought for sure it was one of joel's studio machines and i felt fairly certain that i would break something if i tried to turn it off. so, i dealt. i woke up a lot and listened to the noises, but as tired as i was, i fell back asleep quickly. this morning, the first thing i did when i got up was to investigate. do you know what it was? the treadmill. it was the treadmill. i could have shut the treadmill off. indeed i could have. but the call of exercise was foreign to me... i didn't recognize the sound. how sad.
computering.
i've started this new word thing. i'm not really sure what it stems from and i have no idea when i started. i've been turning nouns into verbs. i know. crazy. precisely what i was thinking. for instance, i say things like, 'the three of us should go see a movie. i've never movied with you before, jan.' or, on a daily basis i ask someone, 'are you lunching?' there are thousands of possibilities with this new horridness of grammar... things like 'i couched last night, did you?' or 'let's coffee tomorrow.' (something i would never say because coffee stinks and i try really hard not to consume things that stink.) or even things like, 'i tv'd hard last night during american idol.' (which i happened to have done.)and i did it again. i said to ted just now, "when lori and i are in st. louis for our conference in june, we're going to stay a little extra so we can do a little six flaggin'."oh, what am i coming to? the english major in me seems to be fading... (perhaps because i was only an english major for eight weeks...)
my mother, my guilt.
i churched on saturday evening this past weekend, which i rarely do, but rather enjoyed it. dave had some awesome things to say, and my heart travelled a crazy little path in response.
"you have heard that it was said, ' an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.' but i say to you, do not resist the one who is evil. but if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. and if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. and if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles." (matthew 5:38-41)
i have always considered this passage quite... passive. it's always seemed so, 'walk over me so i can show the love of christ because somehow you'll see my passivity as christ's love.' but it struck me, as dave was moving onto other things, how incredibly unpassive it is. because some roman soldier who forces you to carry his stuff for a mile, isn't expecting you to carry it more than he requires. he would expect that you would have a bad attitude about it. and it is the offer to carry it another mile that would get him thinking if anything would. i wrote lots of little thoughts on my bulletin, which i never do and really thought about intentionally loving others. i think i do intentionally love others, but i know there are some that i just want to be done with, so i don't go that extra mile.
saturday night, i had a dream. i was hanging out with some friends on some special occasion when my mom called me to a back room (which oddly turned out to be her kitchen) and asked me to do some menial task because she couldn't be bothered to do it. i was so mad. i told her. i said, mom, i'm doing something. i haven't seen these people in so long, this is a big deal, and you ask me to file some papers? (i'm not sure why there were papers to be filed in the kitchen, but you know how dreams go...) i'm sorry. i can't. oh. i was so mad.
i woke up and guilt had punched me in the stomach. my mother does this sometimes. and her delivery is sometimes lacking in question, but full of demand. could you please set the table? it's not really a question and when it comes again three minutes later, before you have a chance to finish up what you're doing, it makes you really want to just sit back down again. usually this type of delivery is born from fatigue and frustration. my mother knows how to ask. she's an incredibly compassionate person and has a huge capacity to listen. but there's this mother-daughter thing. it's not exclusive to my mom and i, but we utilize it well. there's a lack of patience for each other there.
backing up to the point, what i realized is that i passively love my mom. i really, really love her, but it doesn't always show. i do not intentionally love her like i love so many others. i don't know why i do that, but it breaks my heart. i hate that i'm like that. that my mother bears the brunt of all that is bad about me. sees so little fruit. lots of leaves, but many thorns. that's what she gets. and the occasional pear.
my hot date.
soooo.... erin wants to know about my hot date. well, let me tell you. the evening was full of flowers, candy, good food, candle light, crafts and games. yes, crafts and games. a little valentine bingo, a bit of 'hide the heart' and creative crown coloring. some bead making, some cookie-frosting, some special love hot cocoa. lots of pink, red and purple. and the whole evening was done by 7:30. just in time to catch the end of american idol.
i had an incredible night hanging out with my favorite little girls and i wouldn't have traded it for anything.
all you need to do if you want to feel loved is to 
know these girls. to hear maggie's feet running and her sweet voice saying, 'juwee, juwee' before you even see her and to see halle's eyes light up when you walk in a room... ...this is all you need.
there is a time.
almost six years ago, i bought a sweater for 25 cents. never would i have imagined it would become my favorite sweater and one of the only ones that i would still like after six years. last week, as i rested my elbows on my desk, i thought, why is my elbow so cold? well, friends. you may have guessed it. i wore that poor elbow out. it was so threadworn that it didn't even rip, it just sort of... separated. so i've been wearing a red sweatshirt that i don't love because it's too short while i look for a new sweater. last night, i found one. it's much more vibrant than the old and
it has this pocket. i don't love the pocket. i've been told to let it go, but folks, it's an incredibly impractical pocket. it's on the sleeve. it's little. what on earth would i put in there? well, julia thought i should store a spoon in there. she stuck one in. i'm not sold on it. i still think i might remove it. if i wash it and then remove the pocket, i'll have a pocket square. so it has to go now or never. and i'm not sure if i want to spend a decade with a sleeve pocket.i will miss this sweater. we've been through tears and laughter, cold nights and cool mornings. it's been a good six years. may the kind years be ahead and the memories sweet.
16 days later.
so, you may have noticed. i took a bit of a break. i needed one. not necessarily from writing, but from a lot of my normal routine. and i have noticed, the longer you wait to start blogging again, the harder it is. not so much because you're out of routine, but because after two or three weeks, there are a lot of thing you want to write about and you can't decide which to start with. that's where i'm at. it feels like the first one back ought to be some profound bit of funny. or depth. but it won't be. maybe tomorrow. maybe even this afternoon. today is just about jumping back in. i could tell you about my trip, or how my clementine literally disappeared this morning. i could write about my hot date on valentine's day or my latest run-in with harvey at the grocery store. or eighty different things i've thought about telling you these last few weeks. but right now, i'm just telling you that i'm back.
