i guess that's what i want... to hit the moon.
it's been a doris day summer. when i'm in the mood for a movie, some sort of fluffy 50s romantic comedy goes into the dvd player. there really have been very few exceptions. not sure why it's been that way, but it has.
doris day usually plays characters with class-well put together and smart, with incredibly high standards for the man she plans to end up with. and she almost
always misplaces her sense when a handsome man comes around. she falls for men that have questionable characters, but believes them to be good and true, having no idea that they aren't who she thinks they are. then, she gets flustered and angry when she realizes that she's been duped. and she should. one ought to be frustrated with oneself when you've duped yourself. what? yes. she's duped herself. the men are not usually innocent in these things. in fact, they often work to deceive, but that's the obvious part. what i haven't really put words to is that though she seems to be so, she isn't innocent, either. she's convinced herself that she'll keep her wits about her when she finds love. so that when she finds this feeling she thinks is the real thing, she
knows that it's the real thing. because he couldn't be anything less than perfect. if he were, she wouldn't be with him. that's what she's been waiting for... the perfect man. and he comes. even when he seems to be a little off, she's not concerned, because he's the one, right? it's just her imagination that he's off.
once the scene has been laid, we cringe and actually ache for her as she throws herself into a affectional abyss, letting her heart rule the roost instead of the mind she has so painstakenly perfected for this very situation. the truth, always by accident, occasionally by tony randall, is revealed and she reels. hell hath no fury like a woman duped. he shows his manhood and carries her off to teach her a lesson about how much he really loves her and after a worthy struggle, she swoons, they kiss and life is happy because it isn't perfect.
what am i waiting for? sometimes, i know that i'm waiting for perfection. and other times, i just want to be swept off my feet. i cannot create perfection. i have tried. i have been patient. i have allowed my heart to be coddled and ripped out and patched. all because i was so certain that it was worth the wait.
someday, his offness would turn out to be perfection as well. what's hard to do, even though my mind says it doesn't matter, is let go. what if i let go and he doesn't come back? that's what makes it hard, if i'm honest with myself. and the really stupid thing, is that i don't want
who he is to come back. i want the him who has reached his potential to come around. i don't know that he ever will. but he's the only one asking. and on the occasional day or two, that's enough for me.
what it really comes down to, is that he has never loved me as i have loved him. and i have loved someone who didn't actually exist.
i am doris day. i have allowed myself to settle. and i have always said
i would never settle. i lied. i didn't know.
no woman wakes up and says, i
hope i don't get swept off my feet today. -hitch
let it out.
God's had his charcoals out the last couple of nights. not sure if you've noticed, but i have. sometimes i forget to look. but i've been driving down the interstate around nine 0'clock the last two nights and have noticed the wispy, smudged gray clouds. what i love about it all is that he had the watercolors out first and put blues and pinks and oranges behind those dark grey clouds. it made for an incredibly stunning presentation. it makes me want to dig my old materials out. such a release it used to be for me. i wonder if God needed a release... do you suppose he needs them now and again?
l'amour qui n'était jamais.
how many times must a person's heart break before she admits to herself that it's just not worth it? i keep remembering that old saying... if you love someone, set him free... if he comes back, he's yours, if he doesn't, he never was. i've been living a slightly different version-if you love someone, he'll go away. and when you get over it, he'll come back. then he'll leave. and you'll move on. and when you do, he'll come back. and leave. and you're annoyed and send him off with a smile. then, he'll come back and ask for your heart again. and then he'll leave when he has it. and you quit caring. then he'll tell everyone that he's being pursued by you and he's just not sure how to deal with that.
le temps de repos.
i am blessed to work for an organization that gives me days to get away. that pays me to spend time away from work. some would call this vacation. i call the concept heaven on earth.
heaven on earth is not where i went last week. on one hand, this camp has always held a very dear place in my heart and it feels good to go back. it was wonderful to see old friends and spend time with those who were once a second family. on another hand, camp is in trouble. camp is in a bad place. poor leadership and lack of action have put this amazing bit of land and all that is good about it teetering on the edge of a rather high cliff. it's hard to think that the only thing that could save this camp is for it to fall off that cliff. i love this camp. it was there, when i was nine years old that i committed my life to christ. and it was there, when i was 21 that i finally got what that meant. the parts this place has played in my journey are ones i would not want to give up. and as i watch my dear friends walk through the fire that i was forbidden from walking through, my heart is torn. how easy it would be to turn my eyes away. to continue being accepted by the powers that reign. to not walk with the few that wish to fight. they are brave. braver than i have been. i was wronged. i forgave. i moved on. held no grudge. this was right. but now, as an outsider, i keep thinking of what martin niemoeller realized in the throes of the second world war... first, they came for the socialists, and i did not speak out because i was not a socialist. then they came for the trade unionists, and i did not speak out because i was not a trade unionist. then they came for the jews, and i did not speak out because i was not a jew. then they came for me, and there was no one left to speak for me.
i have been spoken for by someone who is now being wronged... am i not meant to speak for him? must i not repay? this is hard. this is going against the queen bee. and for all those who don't know the theory, that action ends in death. i'm struggling. i know that God will take care of this. but when did he ever call us to be passive? i don't profess to be extraordinarily learned when it comes to the word, in fact i find i fall short in so many ways, but i don't recall ever reading that we should not fight the good fight. as beings made in God's image, does that not make us warriors? battling for the kingdom? and yet i have people whom i consider very wise telling me to let it go. that it will work itself out. to me, that's passive. i get that sometimes we do need to step back and release control, but when it feels like we are called to battle, ought we not go forth? and what does that look like? i haven't any idea.
sadness.
and so my heart is broken. i had wanted to write about how i've never seen a house burn before in my life and i have seen two burn this summer. and how scared i am of fire-it's so utterly unforgiving. and about how, biblically, fire is a means of refining and is a good thing, but how much it still scares me. but my heart is broken, and that takes precedence.
i grew up in a family that loved me and let me know that i was important. i was a welcome addition to the group as were all others. i have never been made to feel second rate. until now. never would i have imagined that a family member would deem not only myself, but the rest of my family, as undesirable people for her sons to know. there has always been an obvious favoring given to her family, which i suppose is natural for anyone, but to keep her children from knowing us well seems so
rude, frankly. i remember my family so openly accepting her when she first came. and i have called her friend.
i left my nephew's third birthday party because i did not want to cry there. i could not. i hate that i left. but i couldn't stay. sobs like those i have released do not listen to reason. they do not stay in simply because you wish them to.
my family is a good family. it makes me angry for someone to not appreciate them like they ought to be. they have wanted nothing more than to love. and now she breaks
my heart.
Running Update.
just thought i'd let you all know that yesterday, i ran to the chinese buffet. no
actual running was involved, but i did say, 'i'm running to the chinese buffet. i'll be back in a bit.'
other than that, and similar circumstances, i really haven't ran since the last time
i wrote of it. i'm housesitting again this weekend and it's going to be a scorcher, so maybe i'll take advantage of the air conditioning and get some in... i'll let you know. after that, i'm headed up to camp for the week to hang with the horses. i've gotten a bit soft since moving down, so we'll see how i do.
tuesday night.
i was
so hot last night when i walked in my back door. all i wanted to do was change and sit. not move. not touch myself. because i was hot. and sticky. i'm walking around trying not to let my legs touch. the phone rings.
who the heck is that? 608. 608. i know that number. who is it? hello? julie? it's rachelle. i don't hear those words enough, i decide. i miss my dear friend. she's calling to tell me about a reunion this weekend in menomonie. i already know about this because our other roommate emailed me. i can't go. i have a couple of shoots, my nephew's birthday party and i'm housesitting. i'm really disappointed-i'd like to see them all again. we talk for two hours. we look through our pictures, and laugh about them. oh, remember this one? yeah, that's so great! who's that guy in the back? we have a lot of the same pictures. we remember them well. she was my best friend. my sister. she got my doubles. i got some of hers. she is in the room with me. sitting next to me. pointing to a picture. she might as well be. that is what our conversation would lead one to believe. it has
not been a year since we last talked. it doesn't feel like it. how are people? we saw jay and chrissy a while back... they're good. brian went out with us a couple of weeks ago. he's not doing well. i hate news like that. i ran into monica at potbelly last fall. she had a little one with her. hey, remember this one? why were we on bikes in the hallway? remember when we wrote the reunion? that was funny. where the heck is that? i have it somewhere. i'll look for it. i wonder if any of it happened? two hours goes by like it's twenty minutes. it always does. we'll have to have another reunion. mike mentioned that. he wants to have one in the fall when people don't have weddings or vacations. let me know. i hate this part. i know. i never want to say good-bye. me neither. talk to you later. have fun this weekend. i will. bye, hon. bye.
i don't hear her voice enough. how does it happen?
baby sam.
once again, i am an aunt! sam david was born last thursday morning to my brother and sister-in-law. i loved that i got to hold his tiny little body and pray for him while he was so new. i'm amazed by him. how perfect, how full of possibility. what a life he will have. he has this amazing older brother who is so incredibly excited for him to be here. jack walks around talking about 'baby sam' and 'sam david.' when they took him from the room for an exam, jack asked, 'where's baby sam? where did he go? mom. where's sam david? dad. where'd baby sam go?' as sam was getting his diaper changed, jack asks, ' what are you guys doin'?' he sees a picture of sam on a computer screen and goes running through the house, yelling, 
'MOM! COME SEE BABY SAM!' kristi, incidentally, was holding sam at the time. funny kid. kristi did a great job at preparing jack for sam. they talked a lot about him and how things would change, which has made for easy riding. a day or two before sam came, jack let kristi know that when the baby came, he was going to give it a hug and tell him how much he loved it. which he did. he has nothing but joy at his arrival and doesn't in the least feel put out by him. pretty amazing for a three year old. i love this little family of theirs. i'm so glad i'm a part of it.
how to sell cherries.
every time i use the express lane, i swear i'm never going to use it again. inevitably, i do. in fact, every time i run to the grocery store in a hurry (usually during a short break), i use the "express" lane. i've decided to embrace this and use it as fodder for writing.
yesterday, i needed lettuce and a peach. i had a bet for lunch, but i wanted a belt, so i needed the lettuce. (it's a blt with egg) i quickly procured the items, being in the hurry that i was, and made my way to this "express" lane. harvey was our cashier for the day and there was an elderly couple up to bat and a woman on deck before it would be my blessed turn. said couple (who, though i didn't get a good look at everything, seemed to have more than the allotted ten items, but this is not what i write about today) were purchasing five bags of bing cherries. they were on sale and quite a good deal. after asking the couple whether or not they left any cherries for the other customers, harvey proceeded to sell us on the cherries. 'oh, i had some of these last night and they weren't very good. not like i like them. i had some a couple of weeks ago and they were hard as a rock. they were
good. but these weren't very good. not firm enough for me. i liked the ones a couple of weeks ago better. yeah, these are soft.' let me tell you. i was ready to get out of my coveted spot to get some of these incredible cherries. and there were two people who had gotten in line behind me. and i was in a hurry. i was
sold. and
then, when harvey finally finished ringing their stuff up, he said to the man, 'do you want to know how much you saved?' to which the man, who quite evidently just wanted his dang receipt so he could get out of the store, shook his head to the negative. harvey, being the ever tactful cashier said, 'don't just shake your head! you saved $32.17. that's not something to shake your head at.' couple leaves. harvey starts to ring up aforementioned woman. his choice of conversation for her was how ridiculous it was that coupled man didn't want to know how much he saved. (which, on a side note, is quite a lot of money to save on 10 items that appeared to be mostly produce.) the other wonderful thing about harvey is that he's
slow. it took him a good five minutes to ring up this woman's two items. which really begs the question of why he's been placed in this so-called "express" lane. i think it's a conspiracy. so now i'm getting antsy, not only because i'm afraid of being chastised about my purchases, but also because my quick trip to the store has now taken twenty minutes. i was so nervous, in fact, that after an uneventful encounter with harvey, i started to walk off with his pen. this was his fodder. now i'm stealing his pen and did not successfully avoid his old-man-'i'm-really-funny' jokes. alas. this is what i deserve for purchasing less than 10 items. shame on me.
shame.
did i pay the bill?
every day this week, i have had to reset my alarm clock before laying my weary head to rest. that, my friends, is because every day this week my electricity has taken a break. a few things have come of all this:
one, i need a new alarm clock. this one has been messed with so much that it's finally starting to fall apart. literally. the plastic piece that covers the numbers fell off on wednesday night. the clock had suffered an injury in the last move that removed a chunk of plastic from the side. this, apparently has compromised the integrity of the entire body.
two, i found a new restaurant that delivers. in monday's storm, i was rendered powerless and couldn't cook anything for dinner. not wanting to venture out again in the downpour, i found jimmy's in the next town over. it was nice to see that the menu included more than just pizza, which is about all you can have delivered out here in the woods and prairies. i had a fair rendition of fettucine alfredo.
three, i was sucked in by absolutely no television, as it never got turned on. that was nice. i read three books and have two just itching to be opened.
these are all good things. granted, i haven't been in the gardens at all this week, but i very possibly needed a bit of a break.
in a completely unrelated bit, i met my neighbors for the first time last saturday. we have had a smile and nod relationship over the yard since i moved in last fall, but saturday, the whole family wandered over to meet me. i was knee deep in a garden, my dirt-covered arms full of mosquito bites (the dirt being from slapping the mosquitoes), my hair good and frizzed out and smelling like i had just spent five hours in the garden on a muggy, 90 degree day (because i had). my best side, really. perhaps tonight, i'll make my way over to say hi. it's good to meet the neighbors. that's why i live in a small town. so that i can walk down the streets in the evening and be amidst friends. so that i don't have to worry about whether i locked the door or not when i go to the store or the post office. and they're nice people. i like them.
so, that's what i've got.
